Aperture Plainsburo
by Thegamerdude256
Summary: After a strange set of circumstances, Gregory House finds himself in Aperture Science. What will happen GLaDOS is activated. Can House heat all of the tests, before his sarcasm makes GLaDOS kill him herself.
1. Chapter 1

Dr. House sat in his chair, throwing his ball against his wall. It was his way to think. He didn't have a patient at the moment, so he took his time to pretend. As long as Cuddy thought he was working, he didn't have to. He decided to move away from procrastination, and move to acting. He heard the familiar click of heels and popped his pill bottle open. He swallowed some Vicodin and braced for her entrance. The door opened to Cuddy's annoyed face.

"House! What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm with a patient." He said, however Cuddy saw straight through it.

"An invisible one? I need you to get down to clinic duty. You haven't done any hours this week."

"I'm attempting meditation. Apparently it can help with chronic pain."

"Well, two days of meditation is enough. The clinic office is overrun with patients. We need all the help we can get." Cuddy said.

"Great. I'm sure the patients don't want an annoyed doctor, so I'll help by not going!" House replied with a sarcastic tone.

"House, I will revoke your Vicodin prescription. How will you deal with that?" Cuddy threatened.

"Well, I think I won't be the only one needing a cane." House replied. Cuddy frowned.

"Clinic office, now." She said, walking out of the room. House rolled his eyes, got his cane, and walked out of his office.

Clinic office: "I think I may have Ebola." The patient said. House sighed and put his head in his hands.

"What symptoms do you have?"

"Light fever, a headache, and muscle pain."

"Any other reason you think you have one of the deadliest viruses in west Africa? You been there recently?" House asked.

"Oh no, I don't leave my house often." The patient replied.

"I can tell, it must of been a big step to go to a hospital. I'm so proud of you!" House said sarcastically.

"You aren't a very nice Doctor are you?" The patient said.

"We're all like this! You just need to get out more often. I assume you spend most time on your computer doing unspeakable sins. Dark areas and lights cause headaches, no fan causes your home to seem warmer than it is, and lack of vitamin D can cause muscle weakness." House took out his prescription pad to write something down. He gave it to the patient.

"It says, the beach?"

"Good! You haven't forgotten how to read! Make sure to bring some sunglasses. Don't want you coming in here after you put sunscreen in your eyes."

"My daughter is being suicidal. She won't talk and she keeps making a slash motion over her throat." A worried mother said. The daughter shook her head and made the slashing motion. House took a look at her throat.

"What does she do in her free time?"

"She's a singer. She's been in choir for 5 years now."

"Why are you coming to a doctor? Why not go to a psychiatrist? They actually care about feelings."

"I wondered if it was an external cause." She said. House looked at her smiling.

"You know, the slashing movement is symbolic of many things. It could mean your daughter is so done with life that she doesn't even care if you know. Or, she's just lost her voice." House said. The mom was thrown off by his sudden diagnoses. The daughter nodded.

"She lost her voice?" The mom asked.

"Correct! Might be a good idea to not sing for 5 years straight. Although, a neglectful mother can raise suicidal thoughts!" House said leaving.

"I need a pass for my daughter to stay home." Said a father to House. House looked at the daughter, who was texting on her phone.

"You can just tell the school that she needs to stay home." House said, about to leave. But the dad stopped him there.

"No, she's already missed 10 days of school this year. They need a note." House looked at the dad like he was insane.

"For what?" House asked.

"Well, she's had strep throat."

"For two weeks? Antibiotics require 1 day of isolation, let alone 14 days." House said.

"She's, been, well…"

"Ugh, dad! I'm hungry! When are you taking me to some food." The daughter asked. House just looked in entertainment.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, the doctor should be doing his job faster." The dad said, glaring at House.

"No, you should be doing yours. First off, strep throat makes swallowing incredibly difficult, so you shouldn't be wanting to eat anything. Second, if it's lasted this long, you should make an appointment. Third off, either your daughter been playing you like an idiot, or you're daughter's a spoiled little brat." The dad looked in shock.

"Excuse me, I don't need you to tell me how to run my family." The dad said.

"You're right, you clearly need some law enforcement. How long do you expect to keep her out of school?"

"She's been bullied by the other kids." The dad said, with the daughter rolling her eyes.

"Oh boo hoo! Poor little rich kid. Get over it! You can just pay them. Then, they'll have the satisfaction of your money, and making fun of your curly hair." The daughter started to cry. The dad got defensive.

"Are you insane? What is your problem?"

"Bum leg, what's yours?" House said in response. He wrote a prescription. The dad took it aggressively.

"A kick in the pants?" The dad questioned.

"Yep, that ought to do it. Now hurry along little Veruca, you need to get to school!" House said, leaving before the dad can get mad again. He was about to walk out before Cuddy stopped him.

"House, you have a scheduled appointment." Cuddy said. House shook his head.

"Sorry, hooker at 11:00. Foreplay is from now until then." Cuddy wasn't sure if he was lying.

"Look, I got an email from a science company. They said that they know of your leg and they think they can get the pain permanently gone from your leg." Cuddy said, House's interest peaked, then went down.

"It's a scam. Besides, I like my cane. It fits well in my hand. Plus, I can hit people with it." House said, raising the cane with a psychotic smile. Cuddy smirked, trying not to be too amused.

"These guys are serious, I promise. They set up a demonstration in your office. They're ready when you are." Cuddy said, walking away. House sighed. There wasn't a way out of this. He went to the elevator, and went up to his floor. He walked to his office, which had black covers on all of the windows. House went to his office door, which was locked. He hit the door with the cane.

"Hello! It's Dr. House! I'm here for your super science stuff!" He said. Then Cameron appeared from the hallway, walking to House in confusion.

"Hey! What's going on?" She asked.

"My stripper has an image problem. Where are Foreman and Chase?" House asked.

"I don't know, some science company asked for privacy. They asked me also, so I just came for clinic duty. Thought I would come up and say hi." Cameron said. House smirked.

"I see you aren't over your little crush." House said. Cameron got defensive.

"I said, I don't like you anymore. It's a friendly gesture, not that you would know anyway." Cameron said.

"Ooh, zing!" House responded sarcastically. Cameron couldn't help but be amused. She walked off after waving bye. House looked at her with amusement. Then he turned to the door. He started to bang the door with the cane.

"Hello! Girl Scout cookies!" He yelled. The door opened. It was a man in a lab coat. The jacket said, Aperture Laboratories.

"Are you House?" He asked. House ignored him and pushed the door open. He walked in to see a couple more people in lab coats. They all turned to look at him. House looked at the people that were in his office. He sat down, popped some Vicodin in his mouth, and looked at everyone.

"Well, dazzle me!" House said. One of the guys in the lab coat started to stutter.

"R-Right. Hello s-sir. My name is D-Doug Rattman." He said. House looked at him with annoyance.

"N-nice to m-meet you s-sir." House responded with purposeful stuttering. Doug quickly shook his head.

"S-Sorry. I'm kind of, well, nervous to meet you. You're one of the world's best diagnostician. Everyone is really happy that you agreed to meet with us." Doug said.

"Well, I prefer chocolates to be left downstairs. But tell me, what is your brilliant idea to get rid of permanent chronic leg pain. Do you plan to regrow leg muscle?" House asked, with a sarcastic tone as always.

"Actually, we'd like to show you some of our products, to show you kind of what we do." Doug said. House sighed.

"Great, a sales pitch." House said. He took out more Vicodin and laid back. Doug was thrown off.

"E-excuse me for asking, but h-how many of those have you taken?" Doug asked,

"You mean my medicine? Not sure, probably a couple. But then there was clinic duty, then lunch, then this morning. All I know is a got a refill yesterday, and I need to get another one when I'm done with this." House said. Doug looked in shock, then he grabbed a box. He looked at house.

"So, in this box, we have some of our products. The first one we want to show you is Repulsion gel." Doug said, pulling out a jar of a blue substance. He put it down in front of House. "Repulsion gel? What, do guys put it on to make themselves more repulsive than before? Because I got a nice personality to do that for me." House said. Doug shook his head.

"Um, no. It's a substance that repels anything on it." Doug said, pulling out a pen. He dipped the pen in the blue substance. Then he dropped it. The pen, instead of landing, bounced of the desk. It started flying everywhere. House watched in amazement as it eventually flew out the window.

"Cool." House said. Then he turned to the scientists. "How the hell did you do that?" He asked.

"It's called 'Repulsion Gel'. It was developed in the late 1950's as a dietary pudding substance." Doug said. House immediately was doubting their science.

"You wanted people to eat that?" House asked.

"Clearly you don't like that product, let me tell you about our other projects." Doug said.

"Sure, it better not be a restaurant." House said. Doug shook his head.

"The first one is the Take-A-Wish foundation. It's where we steal the wishes of less fortunate kids and give it to the more fortunate." Doug said. House immediately rolled his eyes.

"I knew it, it's a joke. No clue how you got Cuddy in on this." House said, getting up to leave. Doug quickly shook his head.

"Don't worry! It wasn't funded. The only one still funded is the Portal Project." Doug said. House didn't sit down, but faced the board they had set up.

"What's the portal project?" House asked, not being able to think of a snappy joke fast enough.

"Well, it's a way that we can connect two points of space and time and connect them using a wormhole that will allow us to travel from one of the points to the other." Doug said. House looked for a second, then turned to leave.

"Wait wait! We have a demonstration." Doug said. House turned to Doug with amusement. Then he sat in his chair, put his feet on the table and watched. Doug pulled out a big device. The team pulled out two white walls and leaned them up on the wall.

"Now, this is an Older version as our administrator wouldn't allow us to take the current version. So this is what we used in the 1960's." Doug said. House nodded fast.

"Yeah yeah, show me the portals." House said impatiently. Doug nodded and put on a huge backpack like device. He detached a small gun from the side. House was immediately amused.

"Oh, you're a ghostbuster. I should have known." House said. Doug sighed.

"Look, just watch this. If you don't like it, then we'll leave." Doug said. House sighed and motioned his hand for them to keep going.

"Thank you. Now Beth, turn it on." A woman turn on a switch on the backpack. It started to light up green. House rose an eyebrow, in anticipation of the immediate future.

"Ok, formation of blue portal in 3-2-1. Go!" Doug yelled. As he yelled, he pulled the trigger. A blue light came from the end and slowly built up. Eventually, it shot out of the gun and landed on the white wall. It formed a big blue oval shape in the white wall. House looked on in amazement. Doug pressed a switch on the side of the gun. The light turned purple. He faced the other white wall. He pressed the trigger. A purple light grew and shot out on the white wall. Slowly, the inside of each oval disappeared, revealing an almost identical room to the one the scientists and House were in. Doug looked at house with a smug face. House got up, still speechless. He walked slowly to the newly created portal.

"Go ahead, put your hand in it." Doug said to House. House looked at Doug, then slowly rose his hand to the portal. He stuck it through. A weird sound was heard. House looked to the other portal. A hand with an identical sleeve was sticking out of the other portal. House moved his hand and the other hand moved the same time and way. House took his hand out. He looked towards Doug.

"So, not a trick then?" House asked. Doug shook his head.

"I think now we can talk about our idea to get rid of your chronic pain, shall we?" Doug asked. House slowly nodded. "Excellent." Doug said. He pushed a button on the machine. It got rid of both portals instantly. Doug got out two pills.

"Ok House. These two pills have proven to regrow muscle death. We made this when trying to use elderly people to test out our products." Doug said.

"Elderly people? Why?" House asked.

"We ran out of funding at one point. We wanted anything." Doug said.

"So these were made without funding?" House asked. Doug shook his head.

"Nope." Doug said. House shook his head,

"I'm not going to take these. I don't want to be cured with a stupid broke invention." House said. Doug looked outraged.

"Are you kidding?! After everything we showed you, you still aren't convinced." Doug half yelled.

"What can I say, I'm stubborn!" House said. Doug yelled in anger and went to walk out. He looked to House.

"Keep the pills for when you grow a soul. Come on guys. We're wasting our time." Doug said to his team mates. House watched them all leave with the equipment, leaving up the black paper over the windows. After a couple minutes, House's phone rang, it was Cuddy. He answered it, put it on speaker, and sat it down.

"House! Are you that stubborn. This was a great chance to get rid of your leg pain. You could of been pain free!" But as she was saying this, House left the phone in his office and walked to the elevator. As he was walking out, he saw Cuddy still yelling at the phone. He saw Cuddy glance in his direction. Then she saw him, and put down the phone sighing. House smiled, waved, and left.

5 hours later: House was ready for bed, he climbed into bed with a glass of water. He took out his Vicodin bottle, which was empty. He mentally cursed, then decided that he didn't care, and actually cursed. He had forgotten in the rush to leave the hospital. He sighed as he couldn't sleep with at least one pill. He sighed, then remembered the pills that Doug had given him. He pulled then out of his pant pocket from earlier. The two white pills seemed to call his name.

"What the hell." He said, downing the two pills. Then he walked back to his bed. He laid down under the covers and fell asleep

9 hours later: House woke up in the morning at about 8:00. He sighed and got up. It was time for another day at the job. He turned himself to have his feet touch the floor. He set down his left foot and then his right. He braced himself for the pain of his leg. He stood up, then leaned on his left foot. Then he got an idea. He leaned on his right foot. He gasped in shock. The pain, it was completely gone. He leaned fully on his right foot, lifting his left in the air. It was gone. House rubbed his hand against his thigh. Then he smiled to himself. Maybe that scientist knew what he was doing. That reminded him. The science place. He needed to find it. He wanted to know how the hell they did that. He knew how to find their address. Cuddy would have it. He was about to grab his regular clothes but then changed his mind. He put on gym clothes. He was going to run to work. He looked at his cane as he was about to leave. He smiled again at himself, and began to run.


	2. Chapter 2

A figure quickly ran up to the hospital. A lot of people looked at the figure trying to distinguish who it was. Once they recognized the figure, they didn't believe their eyes. It was that narcissistic doctor that had gladfully judged many of their works. But he was missing something, his cane. It was gone and replaced with sweaty clothes and running. He quickly ran up to the entrance and greeted everyone with his odor that came off of him. A lot of people looked towards the smell to find the source. Many of them didn't believe their eyes. House was there, caneless, drenched in sweat. House didn't seem to care. He went to the stairs before being stopped by the Cuddy, the hospital administrator, who had spotted him from her office.

"House!" She yelled. House turned to the voice and quickly turned back. He tried to run up the stairs but Cuddy had worn flats so she was able to run and catch him. Cuddy looked surprised and ecstatic.

"Your leg! Wow, I didn't expect it to work so well." Cuddy said. House nodded.

"Yeah, magic. Can I go to my office now?" House asked. Cuddy seemed thrown off.

"What about your leg? I would imagine you would want some physical therapy." Cuddy said. House shook his head.

"Actually, I wanted to go procrastinate in my office. I presume that my team has cases?" House asked. Cuddy nodded.

"Well, yeah." Cuddy said, but House interrupted before she could finish.

"Great, I'm going to go pretend to work." House said walking up the stairs. Cuddy tried to stop him but gave up. She knew that House was going to try to figure out what was in that pill. No way his Rubix complex would let him work.

House knocked on the door to Wilson's door. There wasn't a response. House rolled his eyes and tried the handle, which was locked.

"Come on, I know you're here. I can hear you ignoring me." House yelled. He heard shuffling and then the door opened. A young blonde opened the door, which surprised House. He stared at her as she walked away. He looked in Wilson's office with a fake shocked look. Wilson waved his arms to dismiss it.

"I know what you're thinking. No, she's not a hooker, she's a cancer patient." House nodded.

"Yeah, got it." He said walking in. Wilson was about to counter House's claim until he noticed the stench of sweat. Then he noticed that it was emanating from House. Which is when he noticed that House didn't have his cane. Wilson started stuttering in shock.

"Stop staring at my legs." House said. This broke Wilson's silence.

"Your leg! Doesn't it hurt?" He asked. House immediately noticed a small twitch in his lips, meaning he was lying. House then noticed the trash can, which had a paper with the same logo that the men that gave him the pills. Which means that Wilson had some connection with them.

"You were the one that found the company." House accused. Wilson tried to deflect that but sighed and put his hands up.

Yeah, you got me, I healed you." Wilson said. House shook his head.

"What did they give me?" House asked.

"Why do you care? Your leg doesn't hurt."

"I don't care. Leg muscle doesn't just grow back." House said. Wilson nodded slowly.

"True, but still. It worked." Wilson said, trying to say the positives.

"You didn't know that." House said.

"Neither did you, why did you take it if you didn't know." Wilson said. House took out his Vicodin quickly for an excuse. He took out a pill.

"Same shape." House said, implying that he mistook the pill for Vicodin. He then proceeded to take the pill. Willson immediately was thrown off.

"Woah woah, does your leg hurt?" Wilson asked. House shook his head.

"Twisted my ankle." He said. Wilson shook his head

"You don't need Vicodin anymore. I can buy you some Ibuprofen." Wilson said pulling out his wallet. He pulled out way more then the cost of Ibuprofen. House immediately saw what was happening.

"You're bribing me." House said. Wilson nodded.

"Yeah, buy yourself a hooker or something. Take your mind off of your leg." House shook his head.

"No, actually I would love the address." House requested. Wilson seemed confused.

"For what?" He asked.

"Willy wonka's, I have a golden ticket." House said. Wilson ignored his sarcasm.

"You don't mean the science place do you?" Wilson asked.

"Do they sell everlasting gobstoppers?" House asked sarcastically. Wilson seemed shocked.

"Why do you want to go there?" Wilson asked.

"Why do you not want to go?" House asked. Wilson seemed to ignore the question.

"I have a lot of work." House shook his head.

"No, neither you or Cuddy wanted to know about why the science place randomly has a pill that no other company has." House said.

"I wonder why." Wilson said, clearly not wondering why. House immediately found an answer.

"How much money did they give this place?" House asked. Wilson sighed.

"5 million dollars." Wilson revealed. House was legitimately shocked this time.

"What? What do we have to do for them?" House asked.

"They said not to tell anyone that you were given a pill that was from their secret project." Wilson said.

"And you guys just said yes?" House accused.

"Yeah actually, because it worked." Wilson said. House sighed.

"We don't know that. That's why I want to go to this facility. They seem to love me, they shouldn't have a problem explaining their science to me." House replied. Wilson hesitated then started typing on his computer. He pulled up the address.

"Ok, it's called Aperture Laboratories. It's located in upper Michigan. A 10 hour drive from here. Oh look! They're having a bring your daughter to work day!" Wilson said. House just looked at him annoyed while tapping his cane on the floor.

"Sorry. Hold on." Wilson pressed a couple buttons on his computer and a paper started printing on the printer. Wilson pulled it out of the printer and handed it to House. House studied the paper and looked up at Wilson.

"I'm going to need your car keys, I'm going on a road trip."


	3. Chapter 3

After a long car ride, house went into a parking lot, which he annoyingly had to pay for. He parked the car and looked behind him to face a large logo that said, Aperture Laboratories. There was an obvious silhouette of another logo under it. House snickered at the fact that they clearly didn't have the funds to afford a repaint. He walked up to the entrance and opened it. The first thing he noticed was a banner on the wall saying 'BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY!' Over a large table of what looked like potatoes.

He went to a receptionist and saw a young woman that had blonde hair.

"I didn't know the daughters could be all age." He said. The woman looked a bit offended.

"Excuse me, I work here. Can I help you?" She asked.

"Yes, do you happen to know a Doug Rattman?" He asked. She suddenly looked like she had figured something out.

"You're his Doctor, aren't you?" She asked. House nodded quickly.

"That's a way to put it."

"Good, he hasn't been taking his schizophrenia medicine." She stated.

"He has schizophrenia, why's he working?" He asked, a bit confused.

"You may not know this, but we don't exactly have the freedom to hire and fire. We need to keep everyone we can." She said. House nodded.

"Which room is He?"

"427. It's a floor above us." She said. House nodded and started to walk towards the elevator. As he was, he suddenly saw a large door saying 'DOWNSTAIRS'. It had a large sign that said, keep out. House looked over to see if anyone was watching. The young receptionist was distracted by a little girl messing with the potatoes.

First, he tried the handle. It was locked. He rolled his eyes. Then he fished his pockets for a paper clip, which he happened to have. He bent down and adjusted the clip to pick the lock. After a few attempts, he made it through. He looked behind him, saw no one looking at him, and quickly went through the door.

The atmosphere immediately got more stuffy. It was clear that no one had been down here in maybe years. It was also pitch black. Although, conveniently, a light bulb flickered, then shown brightly. An orange sign that had the words Vitrification order on it came into view. House looked closer at it.

"Do not touch, ingest, or engage in conversation with any substances beyond this point." House read out loud. He noticed a logo on the bottom, Aperture Science Innovators. It was the same one that the current sign was covering outside. "What that hell is this place?" He asked out loud. He saw a small staircase which lead to a lower level. The lower level was a large space occupied by what looked like a large hatch. The middle showed a circular wheel like object that wasn't moving. He decided it was time to head back and get some answers. He quickly left the door and made his way to Doug's office.

He knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Your Lord and saviour, Gregory House." He said quickly. He heard rustling coming from the other side, which sounded like the room was stacked to the waist with metal. House took a small step back and saw the door swing open. The other side of the door was covered with papers, soda cans, and a waist size box with a heart on it in the corner. House took a quick scan of the room as Doug Rattman looked at him with awe.

"I didn't think you would show up here." He said.

"Your receptionist is young and hot." House said, sarcastically implying the reason he was here.

"So, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"What was in those pills?" House asked. Doug smiled a tiny bit and finally noticed that he didn't have a cane.

"Wow, you took them." He said, honestly.

"Yeah, I took your science experiment. Now tell me what the hell that is. Is it a drug?"

"Of course it's a drug. It made you better."

"Oh shut up, what was in it. How did you make my muscle pain go away?"

"I told you at the presentation. It's an expiermental drug. We wanted it to be noticed by someone of your importance. That's why we paid the money we did to show it to you." He said.

"Why don't you show the government, and not some angry doctor in a hospital that really doesn't care?"

"Our establishment, doesn't have the best experience with the government." doug explained. House rolled his eyes.

"Of course you don't. Why not?" He asked.

"Some of our propositions didn't go well. And our rival company beat us in the race for a large scale portal device. Both devices didn't end well."

"What happened?"

"I thought you didn't care." Doug pointed out.

"Well, my heart grew three sizes." He said, sarcastically.

"Ours caused our ship, the borealis, to teleport to the arctic. The one at our rival company though, caused a Resonance Cascade scenario. It caused some interdimensional creatures to destroy most of the facility while the military cleared out the rest." He explained. House didn't look like he knew whether to make a joke, or start worrying about the fact he took a pill created about a facility who seems to believe in aliens. He decided to humour him.

"So, you're not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens?" He asked, clearly thinking they sounded crazy. Doug knew he thought this.

"I know it sounds crazy, but it happened. They hacked us a while ago, stealing many of our inventions. Luckily, it allowed a step into their computer system on our end too. We discovered their experiments on Xen, the place where all the creatures came from." He explained. House looked at him like he was crazy.

"Are you sure none of this has to do with your Schizophrenia?"

"How did you know?"

"The daughter pretending to a receptionist out there said you weren't taking your medication. I can tell she wasn't lying either." He explained. Doug put his hands into his face.

"I don't need them."

"No, of course not. You want to be perfectly sane for the alien attack." He said, sarcastically. Doug sighed.

"Fine, I'll prove it to you. I am being serious about all of this. We have been developing a project that's being activated today. Maybe it'll open your little mind to a possibility that there may be aliens that exist out there." He said.

"I forgot about your amazing comebacks. I don't think my ego could get any smaller after that hurtful comment." He said pretending to choke up. Doug looked annoyed.

"Come with me, Dr. House. We're about to gather in the main chamber. You can see that I'm not lying." He said, walking out of the door.

"Oh for-. You know what? I drove here for 10 hours. I might as well meet some aliens."

"Not exactly Aliens," Doug said with a smile, "but an artificial intelligence."


End file.
